Ihsahn - angL (Candlelight, 2008)

Ihsahn is the front man of Emperor, the black metal band. So this is his black metal side project. Granted this is one of those progressive, probably pretty jazzy, black metal projects. All I know is that a fuckton of critics love this album. And Emperor is pretty cool so this should be all right. Also, how the fuck am I supposed to pronounce his name? E-sah-n?

Commentary:

•  Decapitation is anything but subtle.
• Totally feel like I'm in the Norwegian tundra and shit.
• Is tundra accurate? I have no idea.
• That must be really awkward for your voice to do.
• Oh, black metal lyrics.
• Always so dramatic.
• Wonder if he left that breath in on purpose.
• Nice vocal syncopation.
• Oh sup pianos
• And clean vocals
• Solar balls? What?
• Fuck yes, Mikael Akerfeldt guest vocals.
• That was some beautiful growling.
• Can't have a black metal album without mentioning a mountain.
• Sometimes I wonder how Scandinavians in metal bands go about learning English.
• Superman? Is he an alchemist? I missed that comic.
• I have to say, this album has had my head bobbing for the majority of it.
• Whoa. Your presence can break someone's neck?
• That must lead to a lot of lawsuits.

Okay, so I was wrong about the whole jazz thing. But that was still pretty fucking good. Kind of like early Opeth with more black metal tendencies. I always find that when I finish these things I can't find the right words. It's just "well, that was good, later". But hey, it's accurate so fuck it.

Krom approves.

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Opeth - Heritage (Roadrunner, 2011)

Opeth is a truly interesting band. They're always evolving and changing while still being Opeth. This album is their biggest departure from their folky death metal roots yet. No growls and apparently is going to be proggy as fuck. So let's see if I still like it.

Commentary:

•  Of course, classical piano intro.
• Oh Per left the band, I forgot. That's sad.
• This could totally be played at like a jazz club and no one would bat an eye.
• Okay, this is definitely still Opeth.
• This new guitar tone is beautiful.
• Yep, already in love.
• Wow, not a single song on this is over ten minutes long.
• I'm genuinely surprised.
• Folky acoustic guitar intro?
• Opeth, it's really you!
• I'M GROOVIN'
• Orphaned Land? The fuck are you doing here.
• Whoa, this is probably the most "rock" song Opeth has ever done.
• Like, this could be a Queens of the Stone Age song.
• This is  good thing, by the way.
•  Mikael should be in a musical.
• I bet Opeth could make a pretty mean hip hop album.
• Oh he sang the word high on a high note.
• Get it?
• Some of the harmonies are really surprising. In a good way.
• Well, that was an abrupt transition.
• That's a pretty metal flute solo.
• For speed?

That was definitely an Opeth album. See, I keep saying that because I can't think of any better compliment. They are unlike anything else out there.

Krom approves. And cannot wait to go and see them and Katatonia this Sunday. And again on Wednesday.

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Hesper Payne - Unclean Rituals (Works of Ein, 2010)

God, that album cover is unsettling. Those nipples are possibly the worst thing to ever have entered my consciousness. But I guess the despair that is slowly being injected into my soul by those nipple-demons is appropriate seeing as this is a doom/death metal album. And that's pretty much all I know about it. I downloaded this for free here after having it brought to my attention by Metal Sucks. I jumped right on it since doom/death is probably my favorite of all metal sub-genres, even though it's probably one of the genres I listen to the least. I have no idea why. Maybe this will change that.

Commentary:

• Now when you have a song with the same name as your band, what came first? The song title of the band name?
• And it's kind of weird that this isn't on your first album.
• I'm kind of bored. Not a good sign.
• Digging the guitar tone though.
• Going from a grindcore album to a doom album is kind of jarring.
• It feels so slow.
• Now there's something to groove to.
• Grimnity? Really?
• This lyricist has a really interesting vocabulary.
• Oh, they said the album title! Take a shot!
• Whoa, moss writhes?
• I could totally be a metal vocalist.
• I do not know what half the words in that verse mean.
• Isn't it weird when you suddenly notice something in the background of a song that's been there the whole time?
• Kirk Hammett?
• I wonder what's harder: finding the right harmony or finding the right disharmony.
• This may be the first doom song I would describe as being an epic.
• Layering different vocal styles always gets me.
• This is one amazing interlude.
• This one of the few times that I've enjoyed an album more as it goes on.
• Usually I'm really into the first few songs and then my interest begins to wane.
• It's like doomy Deftones.
• Of course the last song is longer than ten minutes.
• Old Katatonia style riff, fuck yeah.

It took me a little while but I really got into this album. They did a great job of not letting it get boring which is a really easy trap for a doom album. The variety of riff and vocal styles kept it from feeling stagnant. Also, the lyrics were awesome, told some amazingly depressing stories. Again, you can download it for free here.

Krom approves. And it's kind of sad. Or would be. You know, if he had the capacity for any emotion besides anger and being awesome.

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Wadge - Grindcore Lu'au (Grindcore Karaoke, 2011)

So I know I just did a grindcore album but I just found this again and it looks way too good to pass up. Look at that cover! And I figured I should listen to this why I'm in Hawaii, you know, so I can feel the aloha. This album is free to download from the band's Bandcamp page, found here. Which I found thanks to my favorite metal blog Metal Sucks. Also, I think this is a concept album about a haunted lu'au that these tourists go to. Let's see what these haoles think they know about Hawaiian culture.

Commentary:

•  I am already in love with this.
• Oh shit, they actually are using ukuleles. Fuck yes.
• Pineapple gravy, that's the shit!
• But why soy pig?
• lol fisting papayas
• They love mai tais.
• Rum and shave ice, tee hee hee!
• Grindcore lyrics about shave ice. It boggles the mind.
• Oh no fucking brain freeze!
• Humming honu and underwater menehune? WHAT.
• Okay, yeah, fuck, I heard you.
• Whoa, slippers, not flip flops, haole.
• Oh no! Not the 7"s!
• And now I am in love.
• Kava does not make your mind bleed colors.
• Then again, there's also no secret underground Menehune kingdom.
• I think.
• AS TIKI BEAT THE DRUM BUMM BUMMM BUMMMMM
• So fucking metal, man.
•  Hey, Kauai! I live there!
• I fucking knew tikis fought for metal.
• Not in my head. But in my soul!
• A grindcore song about how awesome Hawaii is?
• Thank you, god who definitely must exist now.
• Come on now, one can never have too much pineapple.
• Holy fuck these lyrics. The mental images are the best thing ever.

This is now hands fucking down my favorite grindcore album. The music is actually amazing and varied, not just fucking grindgrindgrind. The lyrics are funny and awesome and of course I like them more because I live here but if that's a problem then fuck you. I am in love. I wish I paid a hundred dollars instead of downloading it for free.

AND YES KROM FUCKING APPRIVES AND WANTS YOU TO GO DOWNLOAD THIS ALBUM BY CLICKING THIS SENTENCE BEFORE HE DOES SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE A PINEAPPLE OVERDOSE LOOK LIKE A DAY AT THE BEACH SIPPING ON MAI TAIS FUCK

(I wanted to put up My Sweet Hawaii but I couldn't find it on YouTube and fuck putting it up myself.)

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Fuck...I'm Dead - Bring on the Dead (Razorback Records, 2001)

So this is the first of a few grindcore albums that I'll be "reviewing" on here. (I honestly don't like calling it reviewing but I really don't know what else to call it.) For the ignorant out there, grindcore is just about as close as you can get to noise and have it still be considered music. The song lengths are really short and thank the fucking lord because even as a fan of this, it can get old quick. It's just some good old brutal fun. Fuck...I'm Dead could be classified as deathgrind. So like grindcore but with more low end? I forget and who the fuck cares, let's just listen....

Commentary:

• METAL. SUBSTANCE OF STRENGTH AND HONOR.
• Okay, holy shit, I have no idea what their saying.
• This commentary is going to be short....
• Maybe they aren't actually saying anything.
• The one song's lyrics I actually found online was literally just like UGHHH AIIE UA UA OHHHH
• Oh, octave chords....
• BREAK IT DOWWWWWWN.
• I still don't know how to do pitch harmonics.
• Oh shit, an army of hermaphrodites?
• Actually sounds like he's saying something. Still have no fucking clue what though.
• I'd prefer my fucktoy not to be feral, thank you very much.
• Oh shit, was that bubbling coming from his throat?
• Not healthy, bro.
• The sound clips they use are hilarious.
• "Into metal?" "As long as it's heavy."
• Delicious Dolop? 
• Of what, bro?
• lol my brother just caught me making stupid faces and airdrumming blast beats.
• Oh, reminds me of a dead baby joke.
• What's difference between a baby and an apple?
• I don't come in an apple before I take a bite out of it.
• Aw, that riff should have went on longer.
• Ew, does that mean what I think it means?
• Wow, I'm writing way more than I thought I would.
• RAH RAH RAH, RAH, RAHRAHRAH
• You don't mean that.
• One day even I'm going to forget what these slightly cryptic comments mean.
• Isn't that weird?
• Is it even possible to just be slowly fucked by a chainsaw?
• Don't care what the person says, at some point it'll become rape.
• Ew.
• I wonder how many calories a metal drummer burns in a show.
• I need to go to a grindcore show one day.
• Forgot these guys weren't American.
• Really? A forty eight minute silence? Just for that little soundbite?

Quality shit. Gets your head banging, doesn't turn into mindless noise (well, not too often at least). What else can I say?

Krom approves. Though really, with a name like Fuck...I'm Dead, how could he not?

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Eagles of Death Metal - Peace, Love, Death Metal (AntAcidAudio, 2004)

The only reason I know who this band is is because Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age is in the band. And I love Josh Homme. He is everything I wish I could be. He is maybe the one man I could describe as sexy without joking or feeling gay. But anyways, he just plays the drums for Eagles of Death Metal. Which is an amazing band name. Though I am slightly disappointed that they don't actually play death metal. They play good old fucking rock. So this should be fun...

Commentary:

•  1
• 2
• 1, 2, 3, 4
• Syncopation is awesome.
• So are false endings.
• I can't hear the phrase "speaking in tongues" without thinking of Doug from Weeds.
• I can't imagine life without distortion and growls.
• Can I be a drummer? Like would that be cool?
• I want to cook a steak with black flames.
• That would be the manliest meal ever.
• Bad Dream Mama is way different than Bad Dream, Mama.
• Are sophisticated and LA really synonyms?
• All albums should have studio moments left in.
• They should record what peoples faces look like as they record vocals.
• Just because I get curious sometimes.
• Now by magic, he meant drugs, right?
• Right?
• I am now genuinely uncomfortable.
• Fuck hippies.
• I always forget that lyrics don't have to be complex.
• Like directly on his tongue?
• I feel like that would be awkward.
• I want a death metal queen. At least once.
• Kind of sounds like Donald Duck being strangled. Sometimes.
• Think the girl singing the harmony is the girl he's singing about?
• Or was that a dude singing falsetto?

And it was fun! Seems like a fun album to make too. Like it was just a few friends fucking around in a room with some instruments and it just happened to be recorded. Would be a good album to put on in the background while hanging out, talking a little, drinking a little, smoking a little, dancing a little. You know. Good old rock and roll shit.

Krom approves. (And uh, would appreciate it if somehow he were to come in possession of a shirt that says Peace, Love, Death Metal. Somehow.)

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David Sylvian - Secrets of the Beehive (Virgin, 1987)

I have no idea what to expect from this album. I got it after watching a video interview in which Jonas Renkse from Katatonia recommended it. Apparently this is some avantgarde jazz rock shit. So I'm not sure how much I'll enjoy this. Let's see if I agree with Mr. Renkse's taste as much as I enjoy his music.

Commentary:

• I wonder where this guy is from.
• Strange accent.
• Well, that was a short song.
• I like the bass notes he lets his voice drop to.
• Sometimes I can't tell if there's a second voice doing a harmony.
• And I like that.
• For how many things he has going on, the drumming sure is sparse.
• Do jokes laugh?
• Guess I had to expect at least one sax solo on a jazz album.
• You know when jazz pianists do that thing where it sounds like they're just pawing at the keys?
• I wish I knew what was going through their heads when they decide that those are the correct notes to play.

It's amazing what choices we make. What makes us decide to put words in a certain order? Or decide which note should follow the one before it? That's what this album made me think about. I haven't heard anything quite like it in a while. Really I'm at a loss for words.

Krom approves.

....Wait, I just realized I didn't learn any beehive secrets. Motherfucker.

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CKY - Carver City (Roadrunner, 2009)

I got a funny story about CKY. Well, funny in a horrible way. I own a CKY shirt. I wore it to school one day back in freshman year (of high school), when you could still wear any shirt you wanted and not a school uniform shirt. This day also happened to be the day of a memorial for a senior girl who committed suicide. CKY stands for Camp Kill Yourself. Granted, no one but me and maybe two other people at school knew this and I had no idea it was the day of the memorial (I'm not that much of a dick) but I didn't attend, regardless. This story kind of gives you an insight to the humor of the band. They're funny guys who like horror movies and making the occasional introspective statement. Carver City is they're newest album, that I haven't listened to yet. Apparently the titular city is a coastal getaway with it's fair share of bad luck and misfortune. Let's see how we enjoy our stay....

Commentary:

• And they got my head rocking on the first riff.
• "You'd surely disbelieve it"
• Does that work? Like grammatically? It sounds weird.
• Synth solo!
• Sounds like Dan Swano.
•  CKY with a melodic death metal touch? Fuck yeah.
• Oh and some power metal-ish vocals, yeaaaaaah!
• And now I'm remind of Duran Duran. They're all over the place.
• I want to dance. But he's singing about finding a dead body under the boardwalk.
• So I won't.
• I will forever think of My Name Is Earl... when I hear about the concept of karma. Thanks, Jason Lee.
• (Even if you are a crazy Scientologist.)
• I always forget that CKY likes to growl from time to time.
• He's gotten better at it.
• No album is complete without a song about a deadly rollerskating race.

Well, that was fun. Glad to see CKY hasn't changed much. They've always had a good natural progression in their sound and this album continues that.

Krom approves. (He digs rollerskating. SO WHAT BRO?)

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Bloodbath - Resurrection Through Carnage (Century Media, 2002)

This is it. This is the album that started my decent into death metal delirium. This is the reason I get weird looks when I answer the question: what kind of music do you listen to? This is the reason why I think that trying to growl like an evil cookie monster is a talent that I could maybe one day get paid for. So dear reader, this is the perfect choice for the first metal record to be featured on this majorly metallic site. Here's some back story for you. Bloodbath started as a drunken side project between my two favorite bands (Katatonia and Opeth). They released a three song EP and people loved it so they decided, hey, why the fuck not, let's do a whole album. And this is what they created. It's been there for me in good times and bad. Funny how the same thing can either make you all giddy or numb you to your troubles. But fuck this psychobabble bullshit, LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.

Commentary:

• And the guitars creep in slowly.........
• ROOOOOAAAAAAARR!!!!!!!!!
• Death metal is at it's best when you can groove to it.
• I always thought it was saying "maggots to boil" not "maggots to coil".
• Oh yeah, if you don't know, most death metal lyrics are pretty fucked up.
• But don't take it seriously. Think of it like a horror film, but instead it's music.
•  "You know I know no other way than to revel in your flesh."
• Almost sounds kind of sexy, doesn't it?
• Or am I just fucked up?
• I feel like I'm being sucked into quicksand.
• NOW IS MY TIME
• I love when the music cuts out for a second, leaving just the vocals and then it comes back and punches you in the back of the head.
• You know, I haven't read the lyrics for this in years. I forgot how brutally gory they can be.
• Harmony at it's best: High and low growls.
•  Also, seeing as how English is a second language for the entire band, some of the lyrics give you a "wait, what?" kind of feeling.
• Harmony at it's best again: Low growl and lower growl.
• I suddenly felt like I was in a carnival.
• Not. Good.
• Bathe In Blood? By Bloodbath? Who would have thought?!
•  Galloping triplets make me feel good.
• The fuck is hyper-death? Could it possibly be worse than regular death? Because that's just silly.
• So you're torturing me, you kill me, you let insects and vermin feast on my body. Okay, cool. But swallowing them yourself? Just because? That is where I draw the line, sir. Have some decency.
• (Sarcasm: Not really translating to text since either writing or sarcasm was invented (whichever came first).)
• It's been six years and I still have no idea what it means to be the horizon.
• Like the end? You are the end?
• That's the best I got.
• WAIT, SHADOWS CAN DIE?
• BUH BUH BUH BUH UGH.

Nothing like chainsaw guitars, growling vocals, and double bass drums to soothe the soul. I am still madly in love with this album. Hey, I forgot to mention, I actually have a tattoo based on the Bloodbath logo. Oh, you want to see it? Okay.

It says LYB. Just think Love Your Brother. That's basically the meaning. Death metal and friends. The things that got me through the day.

Krom approves. Or he would if he wasn't so busy headbanging hard enough to rearrange galaxies.

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Amanda Palmer - Who Killed Amanda Palmer? (Roadrunner, 2008)

What better way to start a blog of album reviews that will be mostly metal than with someone is possibly the most feminine artist I listen to? I found out about Miss Amanda Fucking Palmer though her now husband, writer Neil Gaiman (my current favorite author of books and comics, I have a great story about him, ask me about it sometime). Neil wrote a companion book for this album. She was a member of the Dresden Dolls and the one album I've listened to of theirs (Yes, Vriginia...) I adore (see, feminine artist means feminine verbs). This is her first solo album. So let's give it a listen, shall we?

Commentary: 

• "GO!" Best way to start an album, no matter what genre.
• Why the right arm?
• The upper half of a human, especially one you love, is a horrifying thing to have as a reminder.
• Who needs love when there's Southern Comfort? Me, fuck SoCo. Gross coughsyrup tasting trash, SoCo is.
• Though you are correct, if I had a wicked sandwich, I would not need love.
• So if Blake believes that we all go to Alaska when we die, does that mean we all go to hell?
• Chemistry references and "cum shot girls" in the same song? This is why I live you, Amanda.
• Public Service Announcement: Never watch Faces of Death. Especially not while making out.
• I really was not expecting a showtune to show up in the middle of the album. But it's there. And it makes me happy.
• "Oasis" was actually the first AFP song I ever heard. Up-beat and about an abortion, I was a fan immediately. Thanks, Renee.

That was fun. Just the right amount of sad and happy and fun and fast and slow and piano keys being hammered. Amanda always comes up with the best harmonies. And her obviously untrained voice knows the exact parts of my brain to punch. Lyrically, she always surprises me, I'm never bored by what she says or how she says it. I could keep going with this, but I think you get it. I love her and if it wasn't for the fact that she doesn't shave her armpits, I would track her down and fail to steal her from Neil Gaiman.

Krom approves.

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Welcome

So... This is going to be interesting. As it says to the side there, I have a lot of music I need to listen to. A little more than 70 gigs of it. The plan is to listen to one album every day and write a review of it. The form of the review is going to be very loose. I'll introduce the album, maybe give some background of the band, start listening, writing commentary as it plays and then give you my final thoughts. I would come up with some kind of ratings scale but I always have a hard time with those. If I do out of 5 then it's not specific enough and out of a hundred or something and it's too wide so whatever, fuck it.

And since I'm sure the title of this internet publication is confusing you, here is the song I ripped it off from:

It's appropriate because 1) anything from that song is always appropriate 2) I was dubbed Krom by a drunkard who approached my friends and I while we were hanging out outside of 7-11 late one night and 3) the music on this site will in fact be mostly metal.

And with that, I'll leave you with this immortal quote from the great Reggie Watts.

"You know how grape smoovys always be all cold n shit; and like humans be all like, "why dis be so cold?"?

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