Hesper Payne - Unclean Rituals (Works of Ein, 2010)

God, that album cover is unsettling. Those nipples are possibly the worst thing to ever have entered my consciousness. But I guess the despair that is slowly being injected into my soul by those nipple-demons is appropriate seeing as this is a doom/death metal album. And that's pretty much all I know about it. I downloaded this for free here after having it brought to my attention by Metal Sucks. I jumped right on it since doom/death is probably my favorite of all metal sub-genres, even though it's probably one of the genres I listen to the least. I have no idea why. Maybe this will change that.

Commentary:

• Now when you have a song with the same name as your band, what came first? The song title of the band name?
• And it's kind of weird that this isn't on your first album.
• I'm kind of bored. Not a good sign.
• Digging the guitar tone though.
• Going from a grindcore album to a doom album is kind of jarring.
• It feels so slow.
• Now there's something to groove to.
• Grimnity? Really?
• This lyricist has a really interesting vocabulary.
• Oh, they said the album title! Take a shot!
• Whoa, moss writhes?
• I could totally be a metal vocalist.
• I do not know what half the words in that verse mean.
• Isn't it weird when you suddenly notice something in the background of a song that's been there the whole time?
• Kirk Hammett?
• I wonder what's harder: finding the right harmony or finding the right disharmony.
• This may be the first doom song I would describe as being an epic.
• Layering different vocal styles always gets me.
• This is one amazing interlude.
• This one of the few times that I've enjoyed an album more as it goes on.
• Usually I'm really into the first few songs and then my interest begins to wane.
• It's like doomy Deftones.
• Of course the last song is longer than ten minutes.
• Old Katatonia style riff, fuck yeah.

It took me a little while but I really got into this album. They did a great job of not letting it get boring which is a really easy trap for a doom album. The variety of riff and vocal styles kept it from feeling stagnant. Also, the lyrics were awesome, told some amazingly depressing stories. Again, you can download it for free here.

Krom approves. And it's kind of sad. Or would be. You know, if he had the capacity for any emotion besides anger and being awesome.

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Wadge - Grindcore Lu'au (Grindcore Karaoke, 2011)

So I know I just did a grindcore album but I just found this again and it looks way too good to pass up. Look at that cover! And I figured I should listen to this why I'm in Hawaii, you know, so I can feel the aloha. This album is free to download from the band's Bandcamp page, found here. Which I found thanks to my favorite metal blog Metal Sucks. Also, I think this is a concept album about a haunted lu'au that these tourists go to. Let's see what these haoles think they know about Hawaiian culture.

Commentary:

•  I am already in love with this.
• Oh shit, they actually are using ukuleles. Fuck yes.
• Pineapple gravy, that's the shit!
• But why soy pig?
• lol fisting papayas
• They love mai tais.
• Rum and shave ice, tee hee hee!
• Grindcore lyrics about shave ice. It boggles the mind.
• Oh no fucking brain freeze!
• Humming honu and underwater menehune? WHAT.
• Okay, yeah, fuck, I heard you.
• Whoa, slippers, not flip flops, haole.
• Oh no! Not the 7"s!
• And now I am in love.
• Kava does not make your mind bleed colors.
• Then again, there's also no secret underground Menehune kingdom.
• I think.
• AS TIKI BEAT THE DRUM BUMM BUMMM BUMMMMM
• So fucking metal, man.
•  Hey, Kauai! I live there!
• I fucking knew tikis fought for metal.
• Not in my head. But in my soul!
• A grindcore song about how awesome Hawaii is?
• Thank you, god who definitely must exist now.
• Come on now, one can never have too much pineapple.
• Holy fuck these lyrics. The mental images are the best thing ever.

This is now hands fucking down my favorite grindcore album. The music is actually amazing and varied, not just fucking grindgrindgrind. The lyrics are funny and awesome and of course I like them more because I live here but if that's a problem then fuck you. I am in love. I wish I paid a hundred dollars instead of downloading it for free.

AND YES KROM FUCKING APPRIVES AND WANTS YOU TO GO DOWNLOAD THIS ALBUM BY CLICKING THIS SENTENCE BEFORE HE DOES SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE A PINEAPPLE OVERDOSE LOOK LIKE A DAY AT THE BEACH SIPPING ON MAI TAIS FUCK

(I wanted to put up My Sweet Hawaii but I couldn't find it on YouTube and fuck putting it up myself.)

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Fuck...I'm Dead - Bring on the Dead (Razorback Records, 2001)

So this is the first of a few grindcore albums that I'll be "reviewing" on here. (I honestly don't like calling it reviewing but I really don't know what else to call it.) For the ignorant out there, grindcore is just about as close as you can get to noise and have it still be considered music. The song lengths are really short and thank the fucking lord because even as a fan of this, it can get old quick. It's just some good old brutal fun. Fuck...I'm Dead could be classified as deathgrind. So like grindcore but with more low end? I forget and who the fuck cares, let's just listen....

Commentary:

• METAL. SUBSTANCE OF STRENGTH AND HONOR.
• Okay, holy shit, I have no idea what their saying.
• This commentary is going to be short....
• Maybe they aren't actually saying anything.
• The one song's lyrics I actually found online was literally just like UGHHH AIIE UA UA OHHHH
• Oh, octave chords....
• BREAK IT DOWWWWWWN.
• I still don't know how to do pitch harmonics.
• Oh shit, an army of hermaphrodites?
• Actually sounds like he's saying something. Still have no fucking clue what though.
• I'd prefer my fucktoy not to be feral, thank you very much.
• Oh shit, was that bubbling coming from his throat?
• Not healthy, bro.
• The sound clips they use are hilarious.
• "Into metal?" "As long as it's heavy."
• Delicious Dolop? 
• Of what, bro?
• lol my brother just caught me making stupid faces and airdrumming blast beats.
• Oh, reminds me of a dead baby joke.
• What's difference between a baby and an apple?
• I don't come in an apple before I take a bite out of it.
• Aw, that riff should have went on longer.
• Ew, does that mean what I think it means?
• Wow, I'm writing way more than I thought I would.
• RAH RAH RAH, RAH, RAHRAHRAH
• You don't mean that.
• One day even I'm going to forget what these slightly cryptic comments mean.
• Isn't that weird?
• Is it even possible to just be slowly fucked by a chainsaw?
• Don't care what the person says, at some point it'll become rape.
• Ew.
• I wonder how many calories a metal drummer burns in a show.
• I need to go to a grindcore show one day.
• Forgot these guys weren't American.
• Really? A forty eight minute silence? Just for that little soundbite?

Quality shit. Gets your head banging, doesn't turn into mindless noise (well, not too often at least). What else can I say?

Krom approves. Though really, with a name like Fuck...I'm Dead, how could he not?

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Eagles of Death Metal - Peace, Love, Death Metal (AntAcidAudio, 2004)

The only reason I know who this band is is because Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age is in the band. And I love Josh Homme. He is everything I wish I could be. He is maybe the one man I could describe as sexy without joking or feeling gay. But anyways, he just plays the drums for Eagles of Death Metal. Which is an amazing band name. Though I am slightly disappointed that they don't actually play death metal. They play good old fucking rock. So this should be fun...

Commentary:

•  1
• 2
• 1, 2, 3, 4
• Syncopation is awesome.
• So are false endings.
• I can't hear the phrase "speaking in tongues" without thinking of Doug from Weeds.
• I can't imagine life without distortion and growls.
• Can I be a drummer? Like would that be cool?
• I want to cook a steak with black flames.
• That would be the manliest meal ever.
• Bad Dream Mama is way different than Bad Dream, Mama.
• Are sophisticated and LA really synonyms?
• All albums should have studio moments left in.
• They should record what peoples faces look like as they record vocals.
• Just because I get curious sometimes.
• Now by magic, he meant drugs, right?
• Right?
• I am now genuinely uncomfortable.
• Fuck hippies.
• I always forget that lyrics don't have to be complex.
• Like directly on his tongue?
• I feel like that would be awkward.
• I want a death metal queen. At least once.
• Kind of sounds like Donald Duck being strangled. Sometimes.
• Think the girl singing the harmony is the girl he's singing about?
• Or was that a dude singing falsetto?

And it was fun! Seems like a fun album to make too. Like it was just a few friends fucking around in a room with some instruments and it just happened to be recorded. Would be a good album to put on in the background while hanging out, talking a little, drinking a little, smoking a little, dancing a little. You know. Good old rock and roll shit.

Krom approves. (And uh, would appreciate it if somehow he were to come in possession of a shirt that says Peace, Love, Death Metal. Somehow.)

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David Sylvian - Secrets of the Beehive (Virgin, 1987)

I have no idea what to expect from this album. I got it after watching a video interview in which Jonas Renkse from Katatonia recommended it. Apparently this is some avantgarde jazz rock shit. So I'm not sure how much I'll enjoy this. Let's see if I agree with Mr. Renkse's taste as much as I enjoy his music.

Commentary:

• I wonder where this guy is from.
• Strange accent.
• Well, that was a short song.
• I like the bass notes he lets his voice drop to.
• Sometimes I can't tell if there's a second voice doing a harmony.
• And I like that.
• For how many things he has going on, the drumming sure is sparse.
• Do jokes laugh?
• Guess I had to expect at least one sax solo on a jazz album.
• You know when jazz pianists do that thing where it sounds like they're just pawing at the keys?
• I wish I knew what was going through their heads when they decide that those are the correct notes to play.

It's amazing what choices we make. What makes us decide to put words in a certain order? Or decide which note should follow the one before it? That's what this album made me think about. I haven't heard anything quite like it in a while. Really I'm at a loss for words.

Krom approves.

....Wait, I just realized I didn't learn any beehive secrets. Motherfucker.

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